Grace (2009)

Directed by Paul Solet

Starring Jordan Ladd

Getting back into reviews of movies you can pick up off a shelf instead of seeing in a theatre, we’re going to discuss this bad movie gem, Grace.  The trailer for this movie looked promising, or at least, it got my hopes up for something better than the pile of garbage that got released.  The premise of this movie sounds a little like Little Shop of Horrors made babies with a zombie movie and a heart wrenching Lifetime Original movie, but even so, I was more than willing to give it a shot, and I was more than disappointed.

The movie starts by exposing the range of weird characters we’re going to get to spend the next 84 minutes with, and not a single one of them is remarkably interesting.  We’re introduced to Madeline Matheson (Ladd) and her husband Michael (Stephen Park) in the process of creating their baby.  Now, I describe it as such because in watching the scene, it seems incredibly robotic.  No interaction between the two, aside from the obvious, and Madeline stares into space before curling up into a ball (in effort to aid conception, I would assume, though I wouldn’t know from experience).  From there, we time warp a few months (bringing us about 8 months into the pregnancy) and we’re introduced to mother-in-law Vivian (Gabrielle Rose) and father-in-law Henry (Sergio Houde) at a dinner where Vivian does nothing but complain about Madeline’s vegan diet while insisting that she give birth to her child in a hospital, rather than a private clinic.  It’s obviously an argument they’ve had before, as all the responses seem terribly rehearsed and mechanical (seriously, you have to wonder if these people aren’t actually incredibly advanced versions of C3-P0). 

At any rate, we jump to the next day where Madeline and Michael are headed out to look at a private clinic owned and operated by an old friend of Madeline’s, Patricia (Samantha Ferris).  There seems to be some odd tension between the three characters but the movie kind of glosses over it for the time being and moves ahead.  The next few scenes are moderately boring and the only things of note that happen are that Madeline experiences chest pains which lead doctors to think the best solution would be to induce labor, though Patricia steps in and stops them before they make a horrible mistake.  Shortly after this, the two Mathesons are involved in a car accident, which kills Michael and their unborn child. 

Now, I imagine, in the real world any clinic or doctor would induce labor and get the dead body of their child out of the woman in order to prevent other illnesses (correct me if I’m wrong, but having a lump of dead flesh in your body can’t be very healthy).  Anyway, they wait three weeks and Madeline delivers her infant with Patricia, only to nuzzle it and coax it back to life (remember, this is 3 weeks after they told her the baby was dead).  Nobody understands how it happened and everyone except for Madeline seems interesting in finding out.  Madeline, on the other hand, is completely satisfied that the blood work came back normal and refuses anything further because she doesn’t need to understand a miracle to accept it.  During a visit by Patricia, a second reference is made to breast-feeding into old age (the first was at the awkward dinner party at the beginning made by the mother-in-law), which makes you wonder what the writer’s preoccupation with breast-feeding was.  Not that it’s a terribly important story point, but it really does raise the question in your brain.

Moving on, the rest of the movie essentially shows Madeline’s downward spiral as she realizes that her baby smells funny, loses skin in water, attracts flies and, to top it off, requires blood as the main component of her diet (I think they want you to realize the irony in that Madeline is vegan but Grace lives on blood, but… well it’s so obvious that it’s unnecessary).  In the end, Vivian attempts to gain custody of Grace through various channels, but never really succeeds.

I’d say I don’t want to give away the ending to this movie, but, well, I don’t care.  I’d hate to make you sit through it to find out, let’s put it that way.  After a fight at Madeline’s home, we cut to black only to fade in again on a cow munching grass.  Why, you ask?  So that we can pan out to see an RV driving down the country lane.  We cut to the interior of the RV to see Patricia with a new look driving before pulling off to the side of the road at a rest area.  She walks to the back of the thing and what do we find?  Madeline and Grace, of course -  alive and well, and as unresponsive and robotic as ever.  The final shot we see is Madeline explaining that Grace needs more than just blood, now.  She’s teething (and apparently Grace is teething on her mother’s breast, which sounds odd that she’d wait so long to say anything, but hey, this movie has hardly made sense up until this point anyways).

In the end, this movie asks a lot of its audience.  It asks us to be forgiving of all it’s shortcomings (and believe me, there are a lot of them), and suspend our disbelief not just a little bit, but entirely.  There is very little in this movie that you willingly accept at first glance.  And if you don’t believe it then, you won’t ever believe it.  The more you watch, the more you question “Why?” and begin to wonder who green lit this project in the first place.  There are a multitude of scenes which are unnecessary and don’t further the plot by any significant amount (including Vivian breast-feeding her husband – don’t ask, you really don’t want to know) and a good number of those merely succeed in making the audience feel incredibly uncomfortable.  Whenever I think of the plot, I’m reminded of Little Shop and Audrey 2, for obvious reasons if you’ve seen Little Shop (and if you haven’t, you should).  The acting is laughable, the props are ridiculous and frankly the movie just expects too much forgiveness from the audience to be worth watching.  I wouldn’t even recommend this one for a bad movie night, it’s that bad.  Overall rating? 1 out of 5.

A heads up for all of my followers, I’m going to start publishing articles (some of them a little different from the ones I’m posting here) on Examiner.com.  Not a lot going on right now, but everything should be active in a few days and you’ll start to see some articles going up.

A little different than my usual reviews, since this one is a brand new movie (and is actually really good), but I felt like I should post a review anyway and spread the word about this film which, according to Eli Roth is “largely word-of-mouth”.  I was fortunate enough to make it to the world premier of this one, so it won’t be out for public screenings until August 27th, but definitely watch for it.

The Last Exorcism, the major directorial debut of Daniel Stramm, stars a completely first time cast and delivers laughs amid it’s scares.  It’s centered around Cotton Marcus, a reverend who has lost his faith and performs fake exorcisms using iPods, sleight of hand and fishing wire with the intent of curing self perceived possessions.  He’s decided to take a film crew on his last exorcism in effort to expose exorcists and frauds once and for all; but on this last venture, things may not be as simple as he thinks.  His faith is tested and he’s forced to do everything in his power to save a farming family, himself and his crew before it’s too late.

Overall, the film’s cast does a stunning job of both creating real characters and giving them a depth that you didn’t expect to see in a 90 minute horror film with demonic possession at it’s core.  Some of the camera moves may make viewers inclined to motion sickness ill, so if you’re going to see it in a theatre, you may not want to choose the front row.  The story turns enough to keep you engaged and on the edge of your seat until that ultimate fade to black at the end.  My rating? 4 out of 5.

The Last Exorcism opens August 27th from Lionsgate and (if I had to guess) will definitely have a wide release.  Keep an eye out for it if you’re a horror fan and spread the word - it’s worth seeing.

Click here to view the trailer.

Thought I’d give you guys a look at what reviews are going to be posted soon, though I’m not sure what the dates/order for these will be.

• Nightmare on Elm Street, dir. Samuel Bayer
• Grace, dir. Paul Solet
• The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, dir. Ray Dennis Steckler
• Dinosaurus!, dir. Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr.

Splice

Directed By Vincenzo Natali

Starring Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley and Delphine Chanéac

Okay, so if you haven’t figured out that I love horror movies, you should know up front that I love them, good, bad, ugly, gorgeous, whatever.  Anything that is designed to make you cringe, I will watch.  And, even if it’s bad, I’ll probably enjoy it.  There are exceptions to that rule, but generally speaking, I’ll find something to like about it.  This is only one of many that fall into that “mediocre but enjoyable” category.  From the very first preview I saw, I immediately wanted to see this, but I ultimately expected something campy and goofy – which is exactly what I got.

The beginning of the movie starts off with the birth of a new life form that resembles the brain bug from Starship Troopers.  It immediately throws you into the story, without a lot of unnecessary set up and background which is actually a really nice change from a lot of movies that spend way too much time before getting to the good stuff.  Anyway, we find out that our two main characters, Clive (Brody) and Elsa (Polley), are geneticists who are working to create life with the genes of multiple species of animals., supposedly in order to find cures for diseases and whatever else they can pull out of the things.  As it turns out, the creature in the beginning is the second of a set named Ginger and Fred (cute, right?) and they immediately set to mate the animals  before going to their backing company to present their findings.

In their meeting, Clive and Elsa mention that their next step would be to include human DNA in an effort to further their research as far as disease cures.  Unfortunately, the company has other ideas, and they are intent on isolating and synthesizing a particular protein found in Fred and Ginger, informing our two scientists that this is their new objective.  Obviously, the movie couldn’t continue from this point to it’s promised end unless one of our characters was displeased with this change (in this case, that would be Elsa).  After they get back to the lab, she convinces Clive to continue with their experiments anyway, obtaining a female human DNA sample with which to experiment. 

Originally, the experiment was intended to only go so far as to see if the DNA could merge together.  Of course, being Elsa, she can’t just leave well enough alone and insists on bringing the creature to life, to see if it’s sustainable.  The experiment turns out to be successful, since the creature comes to life.  Oddly, it ages rapidly so they don’t kill it, hoping to see it’s entire life cycle in a matter of weeks (for science, of course!).  The characters go on observing their new life form, named Dren, as she continues to age and mature showing signs of intelligence and a creepy attraction towards Clive.  Since she gets bigger and needs a better hiding place, they move her to Elsa’s childhood home – an abandoned farm.  Because nothing could go wrong at an abandoned farm.

At any rate, I don’t want to give away much more of this movie since it’s still new (still in theaters after all) and it really isn’t that bad.  It’s predictable and goofy at times, but still an enjoyable piece.  It isn’t scary and it really doesn’t fall into the “horror” genre in the way it was advertised, but it could be a lot worse.  The effects were decent, and there are a couple moments that make you squirm in your seat (as well as a couple that make you laugh hysterically).  All in all, I got what I was expecting (you can look at that however you like), so I can’t really complain.  If you go with really high expectations of what this movie could be, then you will be really disappointed.  The movie has a good feel and pretty good pacing, since it doesn’t feel like it’s been going on for two hours.  There are a couple things to warn you about, though.  If you have issues with, well, let’s just be blunt, on screen rape, you will have issues with this movie. Overall, the movie is enjoyable, if you can look at it just to have fun rather than to be scared.  It relies a lot more on suspense and storytelling rather than gore and violence which is a nice change of pace for some, so if that’s what you’re looking for you might enjoy this one.  It definitely fits in nicely in the monster movie genre and also gives a nod to Frankenstein classics.  Overall rating?  3.5 out of 5.

Thank you! I actually have a lot of fun doing it, plus it’s pretty helpful to learn what not to do when making a movie.  Shockingly, though, I have not seen Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Not surprisingly, however, it is on my list of movies to review!

I’m certainly interested! If you want to write up a review of a movie you’ve watched and submit it, I’d be more than happy to publish it!  From there we can definitely see if you’d want to be a regular contributor, how does that sound?

I don’t want to spam everybody’s dashboard with a lot of nonsense, so, I’m going to keep this short but I wanted to update my readers on some things.

• I enabled DISQUS comments on the blog, hopefully to gain some feedback from readers as well as encourage discussion.  All posts are available for comments, so by all means, post away.
• I’m going to start posting guest reviews if I get them in, and as you may have noticed I already posted the first one.  If you’re interested in submitting a review (or anything else for that matter) you can do so here or by using the link on the blog’s main page.  All I ask is if you are submitting a review, please include a picture of the DVD cover or Poster for the movie as well as a rating between 1 and 5.
• I’m working on a schedule and a list of movies to be reviewed which I will post later, so you can know what movies to expect and when to expect them.  If there is something you’d like to see on the list, let me know by using the new comment feature or Tumblr’s built in ask/submit features.
• I’m also tweaking the format a little bit, and should be going back into the older reviews to reflect this.  Most likely I’m only going to add a little bit more information to the beginning of each review (main cast, director, screenwriter and release year), but there may be more as well.

Otherwise, thank you for reading!  It means a lot to me that there are people who are actually following my reviews, since they were essentially a hobby I started just for fun.  It’s been exciting to see the number of followers grow as well as a lot of fun writing the reviews.  Hopefully you all enjoy what’s in store.

This one comes to me from a good friend of mine (you can find her blog here) whom I asked to review this movie as it is the sequel to another movie I reviewed (Cat People, if you couldn’t guess).  So, it is my honor to present the very first guest review!

Starring: 

Simone Simon- Ghost of Irena
Kent Smith- Oliver ‘Ollie’ Reed
Jane Randolph - Alice Reed
Ann Carter- Amy Reed

This sequel could more or less go unrelated to the first. Actually, both could go without the hindering intent of ferocious feline femininity that the titles impose on viewers. Cat People did, however, give us a lasting three minute impression after a seventy-minute build up to a man getting his heart & flesh clawed at from kissing the concoctionous (not a real word, but deal with it) lips of Irena, thus bringing out the passion that triggers her nine lives to end his one. But that’s it. And you would think that maybe, seeing as there is a sequel, the installment would make up for the lack thereof and give us something to scream at charismatically, or sigh a sappy relief. However, that’s not the case. The Curse of the Cat People makes those last three minutes from the first seem like a grand scheme of accomplishment in comparison. In Cat People we get a drawn out, cringing climax only to meet an end that makes you shrug. In this sequel, we have flashes of Wonderland and the Queen of Hearts having an affair with the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow in a psychology teacher’s closet. 

After the opening credits roll, our eyes gaze upon a scene of children and an adult that could easily be assumed to be their teacher, running through a small, forest like meadow where they stop over a bridge where the teacher, Ms. Callahan, informs her students that this was where the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow claimed his victims (for a second you get sidetracked into thinking that’s what the horror movie is about. But hey, we now know it takes place in Tarrytown!). Anyhow, on this sunshiney day we get introduced to the main character of the story, a little girl named Amy, who happens to be the child of Oliver and Alice Reed. You know, the man from the first film who was married to Irena, didn’t kiss her once, and then left her his now wife, and together they produce our playful, little protagonist. But getting back on track, Amy has a vivid imagination, and constantly daydreams. Which inevitably has her stand out to be the outcast in comparison to the other children, causing her father, Mr. Reed, to be overly anxious about the normality of his offspring, and the characteristics he thinks she shares with his ex-cat lady. The relationship with Amy and her father has viewers question his parenting skills, and where they conflict with that of the social norm, or just allowing your child to be who they are. Mr. Reed constantly puts Amy into situations where he believes her imagination is running her wild, and his interrogations over her lack of friends leads to the conclusion of this: Tell the truth about having an imagination and get punished, or lie and get rewarded. Yay for family values! So where do the cat people come in? Hold on, we’re getting there. Amy just has to make some friends first. 

After a failed birthday party where invitations weren’t sent out due to Amy believing in a mail tree, and Mr. Reed telling his daughter that not everything you wish for can come true, only certain things can (buzz kill), Amy gets further caught up in her head as she walks the neighborhood to try and make daddy happy by playing with her peers. All of who run away from her because they’re mad from not being invited, “Because you didn’t ask them? Well I don’t blame them for being angry.” (Thanks jackass, dad. Thanks a lot.) After another blow to her delicate frame of mind, Amy comes upon a, what’s to be known as the Farren house, and hears a lovely voice coming from an open window. She finds herself compelled, and wonders into the front yard, where a handkerchief carrying a ring gets tossed out of the window onto the ground. Amy picks it up, and gets confronted by a woman who can be recognized from the first movie, whose name is Barbara Farren, and holds the same hostility in her cheek bones like she did the first time (Well hey! There’s some consistency). Amy leaves, wearing the ring, and goes home to confide in the house help, Edward (Yes, he’s black) about the encounter, to which he shares with her the knowledge that the item is a wish ring (it’s okay, he can make things up. I mean, she does). So she goes into her backyard, where she often spends time alone, and what does she do? Why, she makes a wish, duh! And soon after she does, a dark shadow swoops over the yard (one that could personify and hint at the fact that Amy’s imagination isn’t seen as a bright aspect, and what she wishes for won’t be fondly taken in. But now I’m just spoiling things. 

Amy’s mommy, Alice Reed, takes notice of the ring, asks where she got it, and we get taught once again that we shouldn’t accept gifts from strangers. So she must go take it back, but under the supervision of Edward. And she does! But without Edward, because he’s too busy. And so Amy goes back to the Farren house, where she’s greeted at the door by Barbara’s cold stone glare, where Amy is then led to Julia Farren. Amy explains to her that she can’t accept the gift from a stranger, and tries to give it back. But Julia Farren is taken aback, she must keep the gift, because she’s NOT stranger (Julia Farren a stranger?? Why that’s preposterous! She’s a celebrity, dammit!) Anyhow, Barbara lurks around the corner, keeping an eye on Amy, creating a sense in the viewers that something furry is about to happen. Julia Farren explains that Barbara is an imposter, a liar and a cheat. (We learn later that Barbara is actually her daughter, but why Julia doesn’t believe her to be so, we’re never told. So blame it on Schizophrenia and Alzheimer, we shall.) Amy continues to go to the Farren house, where Julia Farren tells her stories about the Headless Horseman and Sleepy Hollow. And as the terror of the tale starts to build in Amy, envy starts to hiss inside of Barbara as her mother starts to perceive Amy to be her kitten (Since there isn’t any hint of cat-like detail in the movie, I’ll poke fun at it here), and threatens to kill Amy the next time she comes over. 

So later that night, Amy has a bad dream about the Headless Horseman, a detail we don’t know the relevancy of for the purpose of the movie, and to come to her rescue is her friend that she wished for. And what do ya know! Her imaginary friend is Irena! Of course! She’s come back to seek vengeance somehow on Amy’s mother & father, like she didn’t get a chance to before! Right?! You couldn’t be more wrong! Throughout the entirety of the movie, Irena is there to simply play with Amy, to encourage her imagination and the possibility that maybe this kid is really deluded, like everyone else seems to think. So they keep playing, and spending time together, worsening the paranoia in Mr. Reed’s mind. But shit hits the fan when Amy finds a picture of Irena that her daddy had kept hidden, and accidently spills the secret that Irena, the crazed ex wife, is who she’s been having fantastical fun with. This eventually teaches Amy that if she doesn’t tell her father what he wants to hear instead of being an honest person and not lying about her imagination, that she has to be punished. And as her teacher Ms. Callahan puts it, “A first spanking is an important occasion.”

Soon though, Amy goes running back to the Farren house after Irena says it’d be best if Amy just forgot about her, and slips away like the Fairy Godmother from Pinocchio. Confused and lonely, Amy tries to make her way back to the Farren house through a blizzard, but has to cross the bridge where she hears galloping, and frightens herself into thinking it’s the Headless Horseman, when really it turns out to be a passing car with faulty tire rims. So she stands up, brushes off the snow, and makes her way back into the Farren house where her life is put into danger because Julia Farren looks up and sees the lights dimming, which of course means that Barbara is about to turn Amy into some kiddy nip (Ha, get it?). So she tried to hide her by going upstairs, but her age claims her and like an eye roll, she’s on the floor dead. And Amy is left there to deal with wrath of Barbara. Do the fangs come out now? There’s about five minutes left, there’s still hope! Will the camera pan over so we can see the human shadow morph into that of a panther? Wait for it… wait for it… nope. Amy just wishes a call for Irena, who’s ghostly form apparently eludes Amy’s vision into thinking Barbara is Irena, and takes comfort in hugging her. We still have a second of Barbara’s hands tightening up around the space about Amy’s head, we think she’s about to choke her, WE THINK THERE’S GOING TO BE SOME HORROR! Aaaand, no, of course not. She returns the hug, and soon after Amy’s father and some police who had been looking for her barge through the door and cheer and shout. Mr. Reed brings Amy home, where he promises to believe in whatever Amy says, and asks if Amy sees Irena in the yard. She says yes, and so does he, with a great big smile. The camera pans over to Irena standing in a spotlight, singing a Christmas carol in French, and then the movie ends. Scene. 

So what have we learned? There’s no such thing as an imagination, only lying! Val Lewton is great at proving that with these films.

Overall rating: 1.5 out of 5. (You can’t help but love Amy, and want to call her Alice. All of the credit goes to her.)

While not a review, I felt that I should post this list.  It’s a good resource if you’re planning a bad movie night or anything like that.  In fact, this list is how I found the bad movie gem The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (on which you can expect a review in the future).  Enjoy!